mistakes.

mistakes are always unavoidable cause we're not God. but to make mistakes and to undo them were not possible. and how i wish that time never be that cruel so that the time i made mistakes i could pause,rewind and play. there are things that i wished i never did,when sometimes i'll be really depressed thinking of how much mistakes i had done and i could never stop them. i was a rebel back then,i fought with mummy a lot when i was little. i ever run from home when i was little cause mummy always stop me from doing what i want. and being me,i'm the kind of person who gets what i wanted in whatever way ever possible. things got better when i grow up,being an adult to have own reflect of how much parents are the last person i ever wished to hurt. and knowing my parents,they are not the type of parents who sit with you and talked about your life nor a person who planted a goodnight kiss every night,nor a type of parent who wished you happy birthday on your birthday with a box of present,nor a parent who wipe your tears when you cry,not even a parent who fed you with medicines when you fall sick,but my parents are more like a teaching us an independent way of survival. even when i was little,my parents never help me out with homework cause they wanted me to appreciate hardship. i never blame them but i valued their way of raising me up cause i learned to be independent,and i learned to feel hardship to value everything in life. i ain't saying i had bad relationship with my mummy,we shoppped together ( a lot ),we watched movies together,we get our weekend getaway together,but there are things that she don't understand. during her time when she was about my age,she was free to go wherever she wanted,free to go out with a male friend and when i claimed why can't i do that now,she'll just say her time and my time was different. and sometimes i had to lie to do things like that (which is the part i most hated). i wished i could tell her everything,so that i could save myself from mental abusement feeling guilty for lying and so that she'll know exactly my whereabouts. i know well the expectation they put on me and how much i would tell my brother to never let them down,i myself let them down indirectly. i know how much they keep our education at the topmost list,that's why i never failed them with my exam results. i know how much i would strain myself not to say 'no' to them,i know how i would strain myself not to be rude to them,but i'm neither can be a good daughter even how much i tried.
seeing how much people can be disrespectful to their parents,i feel sad to lie even if people would always say,tipu sunat tak pa. it's not really. -_-